Sunday, November 9, 2008
Walking a New Path

I can finally see beyond the fog, its lifted and I can see my new path clearly. As you probably already know, my job was not one that I was truly satisfied with. Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful that God blessed me with the job, however, I was struck with this overwhelming feeling of pure disgust. Its almost humorous to me how corporations present themselves to the community. But after working there we learn the truth. And that is what happened to me while working at this job. For me it was as if I was caught in the middle. I loved the patients, the doctor, and nurse in our office. But the management lacked serious managerial skills, which left me fuming. After much prayer, I quit my job this past Friday. It was officially my last day. I've taken a new job at a different Hospital. My official title is Cancer Registrar. I'm looking forward to orientation on Monday, and I'm looking forward to having to report to one boss and one boss only. When I quit Friday I was very nice. I sent a letter to my 3 bosses wishing them the best of luck. It's safe to say that all 3 will be fuming when they come in to work Monday and check their emails and find out that I quit. I'm sure all 3 will gather in a meeting and verbally assault me for not giving them a two-week notice. I'd like to say that I care but not really. If I were treated with the respect every human being should be treated with, the outcome would have been different. So here is to a new journey.

Sunday, October 5, 2008
Finally, The Perfect Fit

Finding the place where you belong is like finding the perfect shoe, or outfit. After a long day of hunting you finally see it, you try it on and its the perfect fit. That's how I view my experience with church. I can say that I've finally found a place that fits me, who I am, and what God is cultivating me to be for His glory and not my own. It took me a while to find that perfect fit for me. After some disappointing moments in my life I wanted to give up and call it a day, content to concede defeat and give up. For quite a while I had that awkward feeling of not fitting in anywhere, belonging anywhere. After me and Richard married in 1996, we began the hunt for a church home. But it seemed that every church we attended I never truly felt like I belonged. I wasn't like the others. I don't like Jane Austen novels, not a big fan of homeschooling my children, not particularly interested in scrap booking,....basically my cultural identity was extremely different from my counterparts. And by the same token, while I love the freedom of growing up in the black church, ie worshiping, praising, and soulful gospel...I grew tiered of the same old name it and claim it philosophy that has permeated the black church. Now, not all black churches are like that, but so many of them are. Because I'm black I'm expected to vote for Obama, like T.D. Jakes, and Juanita Bynum, and others. I'm expected to shout when the minister raises his voice, expected to dance when the organ plays. For a long time I felt like I was in limbo, caught between two worlds. I'm not a fan of T.D. Jakes or others who preach the name it and claim it false gospel. When I visit my mother's church, upon her request, there isn't a moment that goes by where I'm not srcreaming inside my head at the absurdity of it all. There was no where that I fit in. No one that I could identify with, and none that could identify with me. But at the same time they were like me, understood me, my struggles...understood what others could not. I used to miss that. If there is only 4 black people in the room, we gravitate to one another. Why?, because we can indentify with each other without condemnation, without expecting to leave behind our culture. Those of us who choose not to go to the traditional black church feel as though we are being stripped of our culture. I know that I'm not the only woman of color out there who has struggled with this. And I know many are struggling.

When you find that perfect fit you'll know. It's like a spring breeze washing over your body with the fragrance of lavendar. Thank you Radius church, for allowing me to be me.....finally the perfect fit.

Sunday, September 28, 2008
Beyond The Fog

I've officially ended my first week of work. It was pretty uneventful. Monday----orientation---Tuesday half a work day and the other half finishing up my training. And then we hit Wednesday. I walked into work Wednesday morning and the first thing that was told to me is "If they see you dressed like that they'll send you home. "They" meaning the powers that be. Apparently me not having my issued uniform shirt on was a problem. Never mind the fact that I had ordered the required shirts 2 weeks before hand and never mind the fact that they came in that day. Was I suppose to walk into work naked? Nope, I was dressed in business casual. Wednesday afternoon I spent my time running around town getting my shirts, Which were not monogrammed with the name of the group that I work for, go home and change and come back to work. It was all too much...way too much to handle. And might I mention that the doctor is out of town at a conference until this Tuesday, so we aren't even seeing any patients. Okay that was my first inclination that this may not be the place for me to work. Second incident......You can't ask for any time off for the first 90 days. Okay, I get it, that I understand....the whole probationary period. However, it got a little sticky when I asked if I could have a couple of hours to take my exit exams at college so that I can graduate and get my diploma and have my transcripts released. The answer to that question was a definite no! At this point I'm just hot under the collar. Can't an exception be made so that I can graduate from college..officially? What's the big deal? All I'm asking is to leave work 30 minutes earlier. I've spent thousands on my education and I do plan to continue it. The one thing all of this has taught me is that people are just as uncaring as they were when I was working. At my current job we push patient care....but have no employee care whatsoever. I know there are no prefect jobs out there. I know that we are all flawed and have our own issues, but some things should just be across the board. Like how about a little empathy, compassion, consideration. I've never been one to tolerate bureaucracy, people in authority on power trips totally turn me off. I like my job, but not necessarily the management , which everyone can say that. So now I'm asking the question, God why am I dealing with this. Why can't I do what I want...my ideal job....the job that I was called to do. I don't want to hear the answer...."this is the job you were meant for, this is what your suppose to do". Right now I can't see beyond the fog, can't see beyond the tree line, can't see what path I'm currently on in my life. It's all so frustrating. I feel like I'm in a place of uncertainty, I'm in the unknown just drifting past time and space...caught in a continual loop of chaos.

My life isn't what it could be at this moment in time. I wish I had some quick resolution, I wish that money grew on trees. I wish that I could see beyond the fog, beyond the tree line to see exactly what path I'm on. And if I'm not on the right one, well Lord give me the wisdom to known, and the courage to change it!

Thursday, September 18, 2008
Breaking the Piggy Bank

If I had a piggy bank I can assure you that it would be broken into a thousand tiny pieces right now. More than ever, we are all feeling the crunch. Between the loss of jobs, price of gas going up, and food prices rising, life is definitely getting harder and harder. Bills will always be there and the grind of living becomes more and more. I'm feeling the pressure...reaching the boiling point. How much longer will these conditions last? Hopefully after starting my new job, next Monday, a lot of the pressure will ease off and melt away. One thing that all of this has taught me is that dark days will come, they will hover, and we will stress, but its not the end. Through it all we gather strength. We will push our way through the thorny bushes. We will learn to lean more and more on God than on our own. Sometimes it takes a jolt to wake us up.

Sunday, August 24, 2008
Crossing The Finish LIne

I've officially crossed the finish line in the race for a job. I begin work Sept. 22nd. So thank you, everyone, for your prayers. It means so much to me!

Thursday, August 14, 2008
On The Hunt

If there is one thing that I hate more than anything, it's job hunting. Which, is the one thing that is consuming my life right now. Chasing down leads, filling out applications and filling out resumes can be somewhat daunting. And when you do get the interview you have to sell yourself like a prostitute on a street corner. Not to mention you have to answer insane questions, like " When was the last time you were angry? What happened?" It's enough to make anyone pull their hair out. One thing that I've noticed is that employers never want to pay you what you should be paid.....you're worth, so to speak. At some point you concede defeat and settle because the bills need to be paid and happy that a pay check is finally coming to you. I went out this afternoon to fill out applications and drop off resumes. First place I went to....well let's just say I got the feeling that my resume and application went straight into the trash after I left. Seemed too much like a "good ol' boy" place to work, not to mention it smelled kinda like a dog kennel. Then I was off to place number 2 but when I got there a sign was posted on the door that stated the job in question had been filled. It would have been nice if the company would have stuck to their classified advertisement on the deadline to fill out the application or removed the post altogether. Gas costs money and it was a total waste of my time to make the drive and have to turn around. However, I did receive an email from a wonderful lady that interviewed me for a position ( that I didn't get) and stated that I was a top candidate for the job and she would like to recommend me for another position that is coming open in another department that would be more challenging for me. Through it all I'm confident that God will put me where I need to be in his timing. But I tell you one thing, it sure is painful.

Sunday, July 20, 2008
Art Imitates Life

This is art imitating my life. It's chaotic, yet beautiful. My life at the moment is filled with a variety of things. I haven't been able to read a book in a couple of weeks. My last class has consumed most of my time. I'm faced with the realization that I will have to re-enter the workforce, which I confess I'm not looking forward too. Riley, my youngest, starts kindergarten in one week and 4 days. Life is moving at neck-breaking speed right now. I'm desperate for a slower pace, a time to stop and smell the roses if you will. If art imitates life, what is your work of art like these days?